How to Save a Life
by HMemma546
Summary: After Camelot finally settles down from weeks of chaos, Arthur finally notices something wrong with Merlin. But is it too late? WARNING ATTEMPTED SUICIDE IN LATER CHAPTERS.
1. Step 1

How to Save a Life

Summary: After Camelot finally settles down from weeks of chaos, Arthur finally notices something wrong with Merlin. But is it too late? WARNING ATTEMPTED SUICIDE IN LATER CHAPTERS.

1. Step one

Arthur smiled as he looked down out of window. No more were buildings burning down; no more was smoke turning the sky a harsh black, no more were there screams and deaths. The dragon was dead and Camelot was rebuilding. Now everyone was working as equals to make Camelot better then before, now people were living on for lost loves ones. No sorcerers were attacking and trying to kill Arthur, everything was fine now. Arthur could finally relax now; there was nothing to worry about.

Expect one thing.

Arthur smiled fell as his eyes spotted a figure swiftly, hunched and silent, walked through the crowds as he carried herbs. Swiftly – unlike the clumsy oaf he was use to. Hunched – not walking proudly, always never bowing to anyone higher then him at all. Silent – he would never shut up normally. And no smile. Through he was too far away, Arthur could sense that his cobalt blue eyes were either glazed or empty. Unlike the usual eyes that held so many emotions of care freeness.

_Merlin_.

Stepping away from the window as Merlin disappeared from sight, Arthur thought as he started pacing, his mind on his manservant. The sight he had just seen was the main image. What had caused that? Merlin never got sad or anything, he was usually would be the one that cheered up Arthur when he was gloomy. Merlin had this sort of puppy character, always yapping around cheerfully. He would get angry and sometimes took things too seriously but other than that, he was always happy.

Something was wrong.

What was worse was the fact that this wasn't the first time he was like this, Arthur realised. Subconsciously, Arthur had noted that Merlin back chats weren't always there, still coming up but not always. And the other image, Merlin scrubbing at boots with the same glazed eyes. Arthur had put it down for him just taking the water thrown at him to seriously, distracted by just getting rid of a beast and preparing for the treaties. Yet now nothing was distracting Arthur, he realise that couldn't be it.

Something was definitely wrong.

_Step one: you say we need to talk_

When Merlin came in carrying Arthur's dinner right on schedule – the proper schedule, Arthur noted with concerned, not Merlin's schedule – Arthur was sitting down waiting.

"Merlin, sit down for a moment. We need to talk."

Merlin looks up, confusion in his eyes. Yet Arthur saw they were still glaze.

"What's wrong?" Merlin asked, putting the plate in front of Arthur and watching him. He didn't sit down.

_He walks, you say sit down, it's just a talk._

"Sit, Merlin. Nothing wrong's, I just wanted to talk to you."

Merlin nodded, slowly walking over to the opposite chair. He fidgeted besides it but Arthur kept waiting. Eventually he sits down.

"So, what's on your mind? That if there is anything in your mind, I wouldn't be surprise if there wasn't." Merlin said, grinning jokily. Yet it wasn't his normal grin.

_He smiles politely back at you,_

_You stare politely right on through_

Arthur watched Merlin closely, picking up his fork and chewing his food. That was what his grin was – polite. And Merlin was never polite.

Arthur noticed how skinny Merlin was, his wrists look like they could snap of easily. Keeping his face calm while inside he was frowning, Arthur reached for a second plate and filled it up with food before passing it to Merlin. Merlin looked at it in surprise.

"Eat; you look nothing apart for skin and bones." Arthur said firmly.

"I've always look skinny. Haven't you noticed?" Merlin joked

"Yeah, practically when I have to lug you bony body around when you've passed out." Arthur said. _Or the time you got poison_, he added in his head.

Merlin picked up a fork but didn't do what Arthur expected. The way Merlin look, it looked like was ready to wolf down five of these meals, but instead Merlin just toyed it, not lifting his arm up any higher then an inch. Arthur sighed, frustration kicking in.

"Merlin, what's wrong?"

Merlin nearly dropped the fork in surprise, "Huh?"

"I said, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, I'm perfectly-"

"You are not fine. You've been acting not like your self ever since the druid girl thing."

_Some sort of window to you right_

Merlin tensed as Arthur said 'druid girl' through Arthur didn't know why. He waited for Merlin to say something but Merlin wouldn't even look at him, his eyes averted to the right as if hoping for an excuse to escape.

"And despite you improving in being a good manservant, I'm beginning to miss the old Merlin. So come on, what is it?"

Merlin didn't answer. His eyes furiously went blank, denying anything was wrong. Arthur paused, not knowing if he continue talking or wait for Merlin to speak.

"Is there anything you need, sire?" Merlin asked, his eyes suggesting his tone to be harsh yet it stayed blank. Merlin stood up and started gathering Arthur's armour, not waiting for orders.

"Merlin -"

"I'm fine, Arthur."

Merlin didn't spare Arthur a glance as he marched out, his body language telling the truth that his mouth lied. He was not fine.

_As he goes left and you stay right_

_Between the lines of fear and blame_

_And you wonder why you came_

Arthur sighed as he slouched down in his chair, pushing his plate away. Why wasn't Merlin telling him? Arthur would tell him if there was something upsetting him, if he didn't Merlin would force it out of him. Why couldn't he do that?

Didn't Merlin trust him anymore?

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night _

_Had I known how to save a life_

Arthur didn't know what to do. Merlin hadn't been alright these past weeks. With the chaos, the Merlin he knew was slipping away.....why?

Not knowing what to do, Arthur just went to bed, hoping, _praying_ he was just seeing things and Merlin was alright. By tomorrow, he would be back to his loveable self won't he?

As Arthur fell asleep, he was unaware that on the other side of the castle was a young raven haired boy sobbing the night away in his pillow.


	2. Pray to God he hears you

How to Save a Life

_**Yay, I've got 2 review! Out of 127 hits I've got 2 reviews.**_

**Merlin****: **_**That sounds like a lot  
**_**Emma****:**_** Hey! *looks at Merlin properly* AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,  
**_**Merlin:**_** Why are you screaming?  
**_**Emma:**_** Oh my god, it's Merlin. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
**_**Merlin:**_** Okay, you're making me go deaf! And what's that piece of paper for?  
**_**Emma:**_** Can I have an autograph? Pretty please?  
**_**Merlin:**_** What's an autograph?  
**_**Emma****:**_** Just sign the paper!  
**_**Merlin:**_** Um....okay....*signs the paper*  
**_**Emma:**_** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I've got his autograph! Not really but still in A/N's I get whatever I want!  
**_**Merlin:**_** ? .....I'll leave her to it. By the way, the vial of Hemlock is not Emma's idea. Nyxelestia used it in her fic 'You can't leave me behind'  
**_**Emma:**_** Awesome fic, READ IT! ......Hang have I reveiwed it? OMG, I FORGOT TO REVIEW IT, I'M SO SORRY, NYXELESTIA.  
**_**Merlin:**_** I think then you should go and review it AND STOP SHOUTING IN MY EAR! **_

2. Pray to God he hears you

Merlin got up just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. He hadn't managed to sleep so now he was giving up on trying. His eyes were still red and sore from the tears he had sled. He had first put a silencing spell on him so Gaius wouldn't hear. Through Gaius knew what was wrong and could comfort him, Merlin didn't want Gaius to see him this way. Gaius was like a father to him – of course he couldn't replace his real father, Merlin added as another sob made it's way to his throat – and Merlin wanted to appear strong, not like he felt most of the night; vulnerable. Plus seeing him like that would break the old man's heart and Merlin didn't want that.

The silence spell worn of – Merlin knew when the floorboard creaked as he walked and Gaius snores sputtered – Merlin had to tiptoe down the steps as he went to fetch breakfast. Of course he could wait until the sun had stopped being so shy and emerge a little more as then Gaius would wake but Merlin didn't want to stay in bed any longer. His pillow was drenched enough as it was.

There was no point of breakfast though. When Merlin sat at the table and stared at the bowl he suddenly lost his appetite. Through the meal looked more appealing than Gaius breakfast did – even when it came to making slob-suppose-to-be-porridge, Merlin was the better cook – that was why Merlin couldn't eat it.

He didn't deserve it.

After all he'd done, he didn't deserve the treatment he was getting. He had killed countless of people and not only the bad guys. Morgana wasn't dead, he knew and prayed that, but he had _tried_ to kill her. And then when he had dropped the sword like a clumsy buffoon, Balinor, _his father_, had taken the fatal blow that meant to be for him. Plus the fact that he didn't help Freya one bit, not even thinking about what she meant by 'cursed' and letting her die.....the love of his life die. That was enough reasons to make him want to carry on crying onto tomorrow night. Yet that wasn't all.

Say that he should have told Arthur he had magic before the winds of Ealdor, then Arthur wouldn't have been distracted by them and Will's life wouldn't be over, and if it had been, it would have been honoured instead of it being a sorcerer's death. Or the fact that Merlin had _let_ the dragon free; to kill and destroy Camelot before setting its rage upon Uther. Merlin couldn't look at the damage without the unbidden tears swelling, all the suffering was his fault.

Suddenly, as his eyes wander to the shelves to distract himself, his eyes stopped cold as he saw a familiar vial. Gaius had stocked in more Hemlock.

The poison that he had use to kill Morgana.

Merlin stared at the bottle, the bold letters and the skull sign boring into his mind along with the image of Morgana choking, realising what he had done.

That was the way Gaius found him when he woke up, Merlin eyes never leaving the bottle while his eyes were filled with horror, grief and guilt. At first Gaius had watched, not knowing what to do. When it seemed that Merlin wouldn't snap out of it, he walked over.

"Merlin-"

"I'm fine, Gaius."

Merlin looked anything but fine yet he wouldn't speak no further. He smiled, a smile that didn't reach his eyes, and headed to Arthur's chambers leaving his full dish.

Gaius prayed someone would be able to get through and help Merlin.

_Let him know that you know best_

_Cause, after all, you do know best_

When the quiet knock on the door before someone silently slipped in woke up Arthur, he at first didn't know who it was. Then he saw it was Merlin, _Merlin_ that knocked on the door and was silently moving around the room. That was enough to remind Arthur of last night.

He sat up so quickly that it made Merlin jump. For a moment, Arthur forgot to be demanding as he saw the fright. That wasn't right.

That wasn't Merlin.

"Merlin, tell me what's wrong."

Merlin groaned, his eyes turning blank again. He didn't want this conversation.

"I'm fine, Arthur. Why can't you accept that?"

"Because, I know better than you so I know that you are not fine."

"_Sure_, you know best."

Arthur was glad the smiting was back, but this was an anger smite not a cheery jokey comment. He growled in frustration before leaving the bed to stand in front of Merlin.

"Merlin, I'm your friend, you can trust me," Arthur tried but even that didn't seem to get a response. Giving up being nice, he raise his voice, "Merlin, tell me. What. Is. Wrong?"

_Try to slip past the defence_

_Without granting innocence_

"Is that an order, sire?" Merlin snarled.

"Yes, its jolly well is! Tell me what's wrong, or I make your life a living hell!"

He expected Merlin to say a comment before submitting, that was Merlin. However he wasn't expecting the comment.

"My life is a living hell already; you don't have to do anything Arthur! Now. Would. You. Leave. Me. Alone?"

_Lay down a list of what is wrong_

Arthur snarled at Merlin. Why was the boy being so difficult?

"Merlin, I know something is wrong." He decided to just tell Merlin the list, "You've been too quiet, you're skin and bones, you've acting like a proper servant and acting all sad since the druid girl incident!"

_The things you've told him all along_

Merlin sighed; picking up the last of Arthur's washing before marching away.

"Merlin!" Arthur shouted, demanding Merlin to come back, "Merlin!"

Merlin ignored him.

_And pray to God, he hears you_

Sighing, Arthur sat back down on his bed, staring at the door. If Merlin would just listen, let Arthur talk.....

_And pray to God, he hears you_

_Why_ didn't Merlin trust him no more?"

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_

_And I would have stayed up with you, all night_

_Had I known how to save a life_

Arthur didn't see Merlin all day. Merlin would avoid him, getting his chores done when Arthur was practicing sword fighting or hunting.

Again, Arthur slouched into his bed, wondering what was wrong. Again he quickly sunk into dreams unaware what his manservant was doing.

Merlin was sitting in bed. However he wasn't crying.

He stayed up all night, staring at the bottle of Hemlock in his hands.

_**Again, Nyxie, thanks for the idea!**_


	3. Or he'll say he's just not the same

How to Save a Life

3. Or he'll say he's just not the same

Again Merlin got up when the sun was beginning to rise. This time however, he had managed to get a little sleep.

Glancing down at his hand, he saw the vial still in his grasp. He would have thought he would have dropped it in his sleep but the vial somehow seemed to fit in his hand, staying in it and smoothly forming grooves. It comforted him for some reason, reassured him that everything was okay.

Was he insane?

This vial contained _poison_ and not only that; it contain the poison he used to _kill_ Morgana. He shouldn't have been able to bear look at it, when he saw it on the shelf again last night and Gaius out, let alone take it. He should be telling Gaius not to stock it at all – why did he stock it anyway, what good did it do – not keeping it in his hand while he tried to sleep. But...

He couldn't help but feel the answers to his problems were also contained in that bottle. Which was why, he put it into his pocket, as he headed to work and left Gaius and breakfast.

Arthur woke up to see his manservant silently working, piling up Arthur's laundry. His eyes had bags under them and were red and puffy plus they looked the exact same as they did when Arthur found him scrubbing boots. Blank blue eyes with only concentration on the job in its orbs.

Those eyes made Arthur act with caution as he made himself known.

Tried to anyway.

"Merlin, we need to talk."

It's what he had said before, yet Arthur was sure it was in a softer tone and Merlin almost felt a spilt at the seams. He did want to tell Arthur what was wrong, the fact he had magic and lost so many people. But he couldn't.

"You wouldn't understand."

Arthur got up, not caring that he was still topless and barefooted. He barely glanced at the laid out meal, focusing on Merlin.

"Merlin, I know that I've bother you about this a bit."

"_A bit_," Merlin whispered sarcastically.

Arthur was at the end of his tether. He was worried about Merlin and still bearing the grunt of sleepiness. He growled, forgetting about tactics of getting through.

"But as prince, I expect you to obey and that means you will tell me what's going on-"

That was it. Merlin had had enough.

"Oh right, of course, you're the prince. That's all isn't it? You don't care about me, you just want to be nosy like the stupid clotpole you are! If I don't want to talk, then you should jolly well leave me alone like a friend would, but oh no, the _prince_ must know what's wrong with his servants so he can probably have a right at them, which right now, I'm suspecting you would as the cruel person you are!" Merlin shouted, his voice rising louder and louder.

_As he begins to raise his voice_

_You lower yours and grant him one last choice._

"Merlin," Arthur's voice was quiet under the shouts of Merlin, but as hard and cold as ice, "If you do not tell me what's wrong, you're sack."

_Drive until you lose the road._

For the moment they stared at each other, Merlin's face showing his emotions of anger, hurt and betrayed and Arthur's face hiding the fact he was regretting and not meaning the words. He instead glare intensely at Merlin, expected him to drop his glaze.

Yet, Arthur had forgotten that it was Merlin whose glaze had the ability to throw people out and he was about to be reminded. Merlin's cobalt iris glared, lighting that Arthur almost expected them to bust into flames. Arthur periwinkle eyes could glare all they want, but even they couldn't hold contact.

"Yeah, right,"

_Or break with the ones you've followed._

Arthur growled, slamming his fist onto the bed frame. It made Merlin jump which both made Arthur guilty and hopes to rise. Perhaps he was winning.

_He will do one of two things_

"Merlin," Arthur guilt eventually ebbed the anger and reminded him of his earlier tactics, "I know I'm not much of a friend. I would blame the fact I'm a prince on that but I suppose that's not it."

Merlin eyes stopped being fierce and seemed to listen. Arthur felt his cheeks flushing as he tried to sort out what he would say that didn't sound soft, "Look, Merlin, whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm not going to judge you."

Arthur stepped closer as Merlin dropped his glaze, in thought. Taking the time, to study him more, Arthur noticed one huge factor that he forgotten. Merlin no longer looked like Merlin. There was no goofy grin, no shiny ebony hair, no light stance, nothing that matched the Merlin Arthur knew before. Instead in front of him was a slouched, emotionless uncared haired man who happened to be wearing a red neckerchief like the old Merlin did. Merlin looked as though he carried the heavy burden of the world on his shoulders.

"You can tell me, Merlin," Arthur murmured, his voice pleading.

Merlin looked up, his eyes sparkling with a little hope. A tiny spark of hope to be free, to be able to throw the burden of his shoulders.

_He will admit to everything_

The hope sparked in Arthur's eyes, hope of regaining his friend back.

But then the spark in Merlin's eyes dulled into nothing, almost as if a dreamer had been hit by reality. Merlin shook his head.

"You can never understand,"

The fact that Arthur had been so close, _so close_, to getting Merlin to talk, blinded him from the choke in Merlin's words.

"Well, perhaps I won't understand if you keep your big mouth of yours shut!"

"Well, perhaps I know you won't understand because you have nothing it that fat head of yours!"

"Merlin, stop acting like a male Morgana and just tell me!"

Arthur, ranting now as his temper was lost, didn't realise he was stepping over the line of Merlin's snapping point. Merlin shook at the memory of Morgana, crying as she choked.

"Why do you have to be so difficult? Just one question, I ask, one simple question and you have to act like a disobediently brat! How much more of a girl can you be? Acting all quiet and crying over Dragon lords deaths. As little the different are, I can't stand you being more of a girl than you are. Just return to the normal Merlin if you won't tell me then!"

That was it. Merlin had snapped, tears of overwhelming memories filling his eyes. He didn't care anymore, about the destiny or anything else. He just wanted the pain that Arthur's words were jolting into him to end, _everything_ to end.

"Maybe I'm not the same, sire." Merlin hissed, not bothering to wipe his eyes, "Hope you find a servant who cannot see what a selfish prat you are."

And with that the manservant stormed out of the room.

_Or he'll say he's just not the same_

Arthur stared at the door for a long time. Did...Did Merlin just quit? Well, Arthur did say he would sack him but...Arthur slumped into a chair, sighing. Why did he even try?

_And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

What was Arthur going to do now?

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I known how to save a life_

The day went by without Arthur finding Merlin. He tried, asking Gwen, knights and anyone passing by, but Merlin avoided him like the plague. At least Gaius, who was also worried about him, kept the boy busy. Arthur didn't think it was a good idea for Merlin to have nothing to distract him from what was bothering him.

When Arthur was about to go to bed, giving up the search, he spotted a figure in the courtyard, skittering pass the guards on curfew watch. A black haired figure.

_How to save a life_

Arthur watched as the figure skirted through the town and out of the gates and into the forest. It was good sneakiness that if the figure wasn't wearing a brown jacket and red jumper, Arthur wouldn't have been able to guess who it was.

Where was he going?

_How to save a life_

Arthur didn't go to bed that night. Instead he slipped out and followed Merlin.

_**How was that? Okay, those who are nervous, I said ATTEMPT SUICIDE at the beginning. So Merlin not going to die :) Through most people say this is the song finish (unless you count repeation of chorus) I'm going to finish the story and put down the whole song any. It's jus my thing.**_

**_Review._**


	4. How to save a life

How to Save a Life

Summary: After Camelot finally settles down from weeks of chaos, Arthur finally notices something wrong with Merlin. But is it too late?

**_Could this be? Has...has this story ACTUALLY been updated._**

**_Yes I'm sorry guys for being so long. Blame the stupid plot bunnies they drive me mad. Anyway I've completled now. That's one Merlin story down. Gee you guys must really be angry at me._**

**_Okay this chapter may not be as good as it's been awhile but I think it came out alright. Hope you enjoy._**

4. How to save a life

Arthur wasn't sure how long he had followed Merlin through the woods. They had walked for some time now that Arthur, a hunter, was already getting tired of walking. He half wished to jump out from his hiding place and confront Merlin but decided it would be best to see what Merlin was up to. Besides, Arthur hadn't a clue what he should say anyway.

Usually to check the time all Arthur had to do was check the sky and the stars. But Merlin skirted through the trees not only quietly – which built up more concern from Arthur as when has Merlin ever walked through a forest quietly – but quickly too. Any momentarily distractions and Arthur almost lost Merlin through the trees. He had to keep focus on his target, till at least Merlin at last slowed either from reaching his destination or exhaustion.

Suddenly Merlin slowed. Arthur quickly ducked silently behind a log, breathing as quietly as possible. He listened, wondering if Merlin had caught onto him following.

Instead he heard heart wrenching sobs breaking the silent atmosphere of the dark forest.

* * *

Merlin couldn't take it anymore.

He literally couldn't take it.

He had tried to go through the day with all the chores Gaius had given to him. When Merlin had returned still early in the morning with a glare across his face, his fist shaking and his eyes red, Gaius had immediately forgot about asking why Merlin had left without breakfast. The old man tried to ask what was wrong but Merlin had interrupted his tone icy to show he wasn't in the mood. So instead, Gaius had double his chores so he would be too busy to plunge into his thoughts.

Merlin had to admit he was thankful for the distraction and wished he hadn't snapped at Gaius. But it hadn't work. Arthur had been trying to get him all day, Gwen was asking about it twenty four-seven. Through Merlin managed to not make any eye contact with him, the memory of the morning still ran through his head like a plague, making him angrier and angrier.

Plus more and more of the unforgiving deeds he had done still echoed in his mind, making it almost impossible to stop the tears flowing.

And all through this one thought stayed in his head that entire day right until he decided enough was enough and he snuck out of Gaius' bedchambers and to the forest.

The Hemlock.

He brought it out now, the bottle still in his pocket as it had been through the whole day. His tears stopped through he didn't try to wipe them away. Holding it out in front of him, he took time to squint in the dark and read what it said.

_Hemlock_

_Use for antidotes for other poisons and cure for a bite of a mad dog._

_WARING! POISON! Use with caution._

Huh. So that was why Gaius stocked it.

Biting his lip, Merlin forced the memories of losing Morgana, his father, Freya and Will as he pull out the cork. Not caring about the cork, he let it drop to the ground as he focused on the vial. Knowing that it held his life and death in its contents.

_Good. Should have done it sooner, _he thought.

Merlin brought it up to his lips.

Suddenly something or someone tackled him, knocking the Hemlock to the floor and pulling his arms into an arm lock to stop him reaching for it.

"What the _hell_ were you trying to do Merlin?" Arthur yelled as his hold on the boy tightened. Merlin was struggling to break his hold, trying to reach the Hemlock.

Yes, Arthur knew what it was. Not only did that big skull help Arthur to suss out even from the distance he had been that it was dangerous but he had seen that bottle many a time when visiting Gaius. When he was younger he had even questioned Gaius on it, confused how such a deadly poison would have it uses in the medicine world. The fact that it had been in his friend's hand just moments before...and his friend had been about to drink it, had Arthur's face even chalkier white than Merlin's pale skin.

"Let go of me!" Merlin cried in desperation as he continued to struggle. He managed to break an arm free and tried to reach the vial before Arthur grabbed his arm.

"No," Arthur growled, "I won't."

And the dam snapped. Merlin's struggles fell limp and he fell to his knees, sobbing. Arthur kept hold of his arms. Unable to watch his friend in so much anguish, he glanced away, keeping his face blank as Merlin wept.

* * *

Once Arthur had felt it was safe to let Merlin go, Merlin too busy in his tears to notice, Arthur took the Hemlock and went to dump the contents in the nearest possible place. When he came back, Merlin had stopped crying, staring sullenly to the ground.

Arthur set up a fire, collecting wood from the area around them. Merlin watched him while he worked silently, glancing away whenever Arthur looked over at him. For a moment there was a tense silence between them.

Arthur threw the last stick into the fire and walked over to the log that Merlin had sat upon. Taking the bottle out from his pocket, he sat down besides Arthur.

"Why?"

Being a different question from what Arthur had asked over the past few days, Merlin head snapped up.

"Why what?" He murmured, deciding to play it innocent, not knowing what to say.

Arthur shot him a glare before he held up the bottle, "Why this, Merlin?"

Merlin looked down to the floor again, not responding.

Arthur sighed.

"Why suicide? Why in the hell did you just try to poison yourself with Hemlock? For Christ sake Merlin, hemlock?" Arthur yelled, throwing his arms up in the air, "Why would you even think of doing something like this?

"Because," Merlin whispered, "I deserve to die."

Suddenly Merlin felt a slap hit his face. Arthur glared at him, darkly.

"Don't. Ever. Say that." He growled, pointing a finger at Merlin.

Merlin stared back, rubbing his red cheek subconsciously.

"I may not know what's going in that head of yours Merlin." Arthur said, lowering his hand and glancing away for a moment before looking back up, "But whatever's going on, never _ever_ think that. Even if I haven't been the best friend and master to you at most time, I would never want you to ever try and kill yourself."

Merlin furrowed his eyebrows, "Arthur, this isn't your fault..."

"Then why did you do it?" Arthur asked. "Merlin, I care about you. So do Gwen and Gaius. How do you think they would feel if you killed yourself, eh? How do you think I would feel?"

Merlin stayed silent but he watched Arthur thoughtfully.

"Merlin, talk to _me_. Tell me what's going on."

"I can't." Merlin said, standing up.

"Why not?" Arthur asked.

"Because you wouldn't understand!" Merlin cried.

"Then if I can't understand, then talk to _someone_ Merlin! Talk to Gwen, talk to Gaius...talk to those godforsaken stocks you're so obsessed with getting into!" The mentions of the stocks made Merlin snort and Arthur to crack a smile at Merlin's laughter before he turned serious, "You need to talk to someone Merlin. I would have never forgiven myself if I hadn't stopped you in time."

Merlin frowned, sitting back down besides Arthur again.

"Arthur, I said, this wasn't your fault." He whispered

"I certainly helped it, didn't I?" Arthur growled. "Every single time I almost got you to talk during these past few days I would mess it up by shouting at you again."

"Well perhaps a bit." Merlin joked. When Arthur remained frowning, Merlin turned serious, "But Arthur, really, I don't blame you for any of this."

"Then what would you blame?" Arthur asked.

Merlin sighed. He hesitated before deciding, "This."

And then, holding out his hand over the flames, he whispered some words.

Suddenly the flames turned into the shape of a baby dragon. Arthur leaped back in surprise. Merlin groaned as he let the flames turn back to normal, withdrawing his hand.

"You're going to take me to your father now aren't you?" He said sighing.

Arthur remained quiet.

"Explain." He eventually hissed his voice cold.

Merlin sighed again but did as he told. He told Arthur everything that he was born with it and had it for his entire life. He told him about when he arrived in Camelot, what the dragon had told him and how he had saved his life by slowing down time to pull him out the way.

When Arthur gestured for him to go on, he continued, explaining about all the times he had saved his life. He told Arthur that Nimueh had meant to poison and for a spilt second, Merlin saw Arthur freeze up. When it went back to the expressionless mask he continued.

It got harder and harder as he got to more recent events. He stopped short when he reached the bit about Morgana and the druids.

"...Morgana's magic too." He whispered, "At first she was a seer. But then her powers grew and that night of the fire...it was her, she had caused the flames to rise. She wasn't kidnapped, I had suggested to her to go to the druids to help her. I couldn't tell her about my magic...I just couldn't."

Arthur's eyes widened at what Merlin said. Merlin hesitated before he went on.

He cried when he told him about Freya how it hadn't been her fault that she had attacked the villagers and that was the real reason he had stolen Arthur's food and was sad a few days later. Even through Arthur's face was back to being a mask, he squeezed Merlin's shoulder gently, which Merlin was thankful.

He shrugged it off as he reached more recent events.

Explaining Morgana's betrayal with Morgause was hard enough. To tell Arthur that the dragon had told Merlin he had to poison her with Hemlock and he did and not only that but he had release the dragon too was even harder. Merlin kept breaking off, trying to keep his sobs and breathing in check. Arthur had freeze up then, his hands shaking.

Then Merlin told him about Balinor. He told him what Gaius had told him, how at first Balinor didn't realise he was his son until he told him in the woods. He told him how his death meant that he was a Dragonlord now and it was he who had stopped the dragon.

"I couldn't kill him..." Merlin said, "Not after all the things I've done. I've caused so many deaths that killing him would have been too much. So I got him to leave."

Arthur was quiet.

"So...that was why I tried to kill myself today." Merlin whispered, "After all that I deserve it right?"

"No."

Merlin's eyes shot up to Arthur, "What?"

"You don't deserve it." Arthur said as he lifted his head up, his mask gone. As Merlin still looked confused, he sighed.

"Merlin...you might have caused deaths...but think about all the lives you have saved. If it weren't for you I would have died many times over."

"It's my destiny to protect you," Merlin murmured.

"It's not just me though. You've saved Gwen, you saved Gaius...you've saved my father. Even despite his hatred of magic."

"You've saved many people of Camelot. Yes, many had died. But if you hadn't stopped the dragon everyone would have died. You saved Ealdor too, even through Will died. And that was because I was distracted and didn't check to see if that guy was dead. Not because of you."

"What about Morgana?" Merlin murmured.

Arthur looked away, into the flames, "I...I think she had already condemned herself. By going to Morgause she had not only betrayed us but signed her death wish. And even with that you didn't kill her. You got Morgause to save her, remember?"

"We don't know that." Merlin whispered.

"She's alive." Arthur said. "Probably now evil and probably will be set on killing me but she's alive. I just know it."

Merlin nodded slowly. Still that didn't mean-

"Merlin. Without you Morgana would have died along time ago." Arthur commented, "You've saved her life as well, you know. She might forget that now but don't you ever forget that."

Merlin bit his lip. Arthur sighed.

"Merlin, everyone does the wrong thing sometimes. And quite a few people have killed people, some not deserving to die."

Merlin looked up, remembering that he was talking to a knight. As he remembered the tournament he realised that Arthur knew what he was talking about.

"We do blame ourselves." Arthur continued softly, "But we have to focus on the good we've done."

"I can't forget this," Merlin whispered.

Arthur shook his head, "No. You don't forget Merlin. You learn. That's what you do. But killing yourself will stop you learning from your mistakes. And will be a mistake itself."

Merlin looked down. Arthur was right. If he had killed himself he would have cause more pain; through Gaius, Gwen and Arthur. His mother too and Lancelot.

"Are you going to turn me in?" Merlin asked as he looked up, "Or ask me to leave?"

Arthur frowned.

"I...think...I think it will be best if we pretend that the magic part never happens. Not this but just the magic. I'll pretend that I still am unaware that you are saving my back all the time and you pretend that you're still hiding a big secret. That way you won't slip up."

Merlin nodded.

"But...I wouldn't mind seeing a few tricks. Through no using your magic on your chores."

"Well for starters I already do that," Merlin said seriously, "And second I quit remember?"

"Merlin, you don't really meant..." Arthur then noticed the smirk.

"Hrm, well if the job's still open I may consider coming back. As long as I get days off. Every month."

"Merlin!"

Merlin laughed and ran for it as Arthur chased him. As Arthur laughed too he felt noticed that Merlin's eyes were back to being the brilliant blue they once were.

He was glad too. Perhaps he didn't know exactly how to save a life. But he was glad that he done so.

_Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came_

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God, he hears you  
And pray to God, he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
How to save a life

How to save a life

_How to save a life_

* * *

**_Despite the fact that Arthur's shouting in previous chapter HAD sort of tipped Merlin over the edge, even with Merlin being suicidal I don't think Merlin would have blamed him. And yes according to a webiste Hemlock is an anidote for other poisons and in those they they did believe it cured the bite of a mad dog._**

**_Please review. Through if its to tell me 'it's about time' please add if you like the chapter as well :3_**


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